Australian Government To Install Arse-Recognition Systems In Public Toilets

In a press release today, Mr Dink Halfwit of the Australian Department of Computerising Things That Really Shouldn’t Be Computerised announced the forthcoming installation of biometric recognition systems in public toilets all over Australia. “We’re already setting up to do this at airports using facial recognition,” he said. “But why stop there? After all, there are already dangerous terrorists in our domestic population. Tony Abbott and Peter Dutton have told us that. Pauline Hanson knows it for a fact. We need to catch up with these people, and stop them from doing whatever it is they plan to do.”

The new system will involve collecting photographs of the buttocks of the entirety of the Australian population, analysing them according to biometric data, and storing them on a central database which will be accessible only to authorised persons. “These photographs will not be available to perverts, no,” said Mr Halfwit. “Duly constituted and authorised bodies will be able to search the data for relevant reasons, however,” he continued. “The Catholic Church has already applied for clearance in this area.”

When asked what good it would do to have public toilets recognize backsides, Mr Halfwit was less precise. “At the moment, we’re thinking that the toilets will just refuse to flush, thus preventing terrorist excrement from entering our Australian sewage infrastructure. However Cory Bernardi has floated the possibility of taser-equipped toilet seats with the potential for lethal voltages if the terrorists in question are also discovered to be homosexual, or likely to vote Green. Senator Bernardi has stated that these toilet seats could easily be manufactured in his home electorate, just as soon as they’re done building a bunch of coal-fired submarines.”

The Australian public, still struggling with the fallout from the computerized Centrelink Debt system and the computerized Census fiasco, offered no comment which we could legally print.

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